Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The scattered struggles of finding my new self.

Lately I've been feeling like there are a million directions that I could go in, or things I could do and that I'm getting nowhere fast with any of them.

I don't usually blog about this stuff but I'm starting to think I need to lay all my cards out on the table. If for nothing else than to give myself the room and perspective taking something outside your own head often brings.

I've mentioned a few times in passing that I haven't been feeling well off and on for a while. But the truth is I haven't been feeling well for over a year. One day I started getting dizzy spells, soon those spells turned into dizzy days and those days turned into weeks with no cause readily available.

With over a year of being dizzy, at least a few times each day, I had to make some adjustments to my life.

I left my job. Not only was the stress not good for me but I just couldn't make it there everyday and do what was expected as part of my job.

I don't travel alone much anymore. And by travel I mean more than 30-40 minutes away from home if I'm alone feels beyond my limit. If I'm alone I need to know that I can either wait out a dizzy spell or easily grab a cab home.

I don't do a lot of the things I used to- and if I still do them it's in some sort of an adjusted way to compensate for being dizzy.

I'm often tired and don't have the energy I used to. Being tired often leads to being more dizzy. Sort of a vicious chicken and egg situation. Someone described it to me best by saying that being dizzy makes you tired because your brain is working overtime to compensate for it's mixed signals. The more tired you are the less your brain can compensate.

I'm not used to not working and feel like I need to do something- no matter how small. Problem is I don't really know what my limit is. The best compromise is to try and do something that's for myself, creative, enjoyable, not very high-pressure. And very part time/flexible, so that I can work around how I feel on any given day.

So I've been exploring some of those options- but I'm afraid my blogging has been taking a bit of a hit.

I hate that in these past few weeks the combination of trying to figure out "whats next" and me feeling very dizzy has meant that the blog has gone without frequent posting. It's also the Halloween season and I'm feeling the pressure that posting on both blogs is going to bring.

But I love them both and do not want to give them up!

I've been very hesitant to mention this on the blog- it could all be a huge fail because I may not have the energy it takes to do even a small very part time business. I just don't know!

I figure coming clean about all this will not only help me by giving all these thoughts some space outside my head but I might also regain the ability to post about the crafty things I'm working on. Which until now have been "secret" since I'd been working on all of this stuff "behind the scenes".

So there you go- the confessions/ramblings of this crafter. And an explanation for the recent posting dry spell.


  1. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that, Meg. Especially frustrating when there's no specific cause you can point to and treat. Has your doctor ruled out Vertigo?

    Don't worry - the blogosphere is about waxing and waning. I hope you can release yourself from the pressure to blog regularly and just find ways to enjoy the Fall season. And I REALLY hope your doctors can help you find a way to get on top of this soon.

    You are in my thoughts.

  2. Thanks Diane, They've said it's not just vertigo... but past that can't tell me what it is. But I guess what I'm finding is that they don't know all they could about the middle ear (and the thousand other reasons someone can be dizzy).

    Good perspective that blogs go through a natural up and down with their frequency.

    I think part of it for me was that I'm so unsure of where my limits are that I wanted to keep the idea of doing something crafty to make a little money to myself (in case I just couldn't do it). But that was also creating pressure to try and keep up with the blog(s) with other things while I did all this exploration.

    I think just putting this out there- even if it comes to nothing alleviates some of the pressure.

  3. Oh Meg, We have talked about this before, but still I had no idea that your dizziness had become so debilitating. I can tell that the optimism and spirit and artistic enthusiasm which you have always shared with me and on your blogs are wearing thin from constantly dealing with this condition and the medical community being unable to give you any answers.

    I have enjoyed getting to know you through our blogs and e-mails and have found you to be creative, inventive, talented, and blessed with a delightful sense of humor. Your Pysansky gourds are brilliant! And your spideys on MegaSpooky make me want to start adding to my Halloween decorations again!

    It must be especially frustrating now that we have your very favorite season upon us - Halloween - and you can not control when you can plan and make all the fabulous fun projects that I know are just exploding out of your mind.

    I believe Diane is right however, in saying that people do take breaks now and then. Blogging and keeping up with it is exhausting - fun, rewarding and exciting and stimulating - but exhausting. Everyone of us needs a break now and then. There are no written rules out there that say a blogger must blog every day. Some people blog as if that were the case, but really think about it - if you followed 25 bloggers who posted every single day could you keep up?

    Why don't you give Mega Crafty a little break for now, and concentrate on your Halloween passion on Mega Spooky for the next couple months.

    Do a lot of linking if that is all you can manage for now... and just make Spideys! Lots n lots of spideys! I love, love, love your spideys! Best ones I have ever seen.

    I just mainly wanted to let you know that i am so sorry you must endure this nasty condition. But also that I think you are great and I am so glad to know you. And to tell you that you are in my prayers and thoughts for a soon to come complete healing.

  4. I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles. I hope that you can find the cause and a way to manage your life. All these changes must be so difficult. I'll pray for you!

  5. Thank you so much Pam and Jane for your supportive and kind words. They really mean a lot to me. It was really nice to get all of this out of my head.

    Getting to know all three of you through blogging has really been amazing and inspiring!

  6. Hi - new to your site - sorry to hear about the illness. Now I'm not a doctor, nor some crazy hypochondriac, but I just listened to a documentary on the radio on the CBC (Canadian national radio channel) about how lyme disease is under-detected (at least in Canada) but has a lot of crazy symptoms. I believe dizziness/imbalance was a big one (along with difficulty with concentration). Just food for thought.

  7. Thank you- I appreciate the suggestion! I love the you framed it with not being a doc or a hypochondriac LOL, that really made me laugh.

    And you are right Lyme disease is really under-detected and dizziness can be a big symptom. My understanding (from my doc) is that the test for lyme isn't always accurate.

    It's one of the first things they tested me for, and I was all clear. Because my symptoms persisted they tested me multiple times because the test can have such a high failure rate.

  8. Dear Meg,
    I just found the felting balls quickly tute via Nancy's Paper Friendly newsletter - awesome! I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling healthwise. I hope that you get a diagnosis and some help soon...
    Meanwhile, blogging is a fickle beast! Enjoy not blogging so regularly and post what you want to - whether it's a photo or just a few lines about something that made you laugh, or a film that made you cry. The bloggers who follow you and care for "you" as a fellow-blogger, friend, whatever, will still be there, reading your blog and holding onto your hand when you need them.
    Chin up, love (it's a British thing!!) =)

  9. Meg,I just came across your blog via a link from Mod-Podge rocks and I love it!
    I am so sorry to hear of your dizziness. I too have suffered from unexplainable dizzy spells for years and while mine are nowhere near as frequent as yours I understand how debilitating they can be. Mine tend to be brought on by drastic weather changes and/or bad posture. Sounds weird but I know when I've talked on the phone for too long - that kink in the neck is bad!
    I'm with SisterDG, blogs are ebb and flow and the blog is for you to enjoy try not to put too much pressure on yourself!
    Take care,

  10. Thank you so much Leanne. I'm sorry that you have also had the unfortunate experience of unexplained dizziness. You aren't the first person to tell me that weather had something to do with their dizziness. I have found that hot humid weather seems to be bad for me.


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